Posted on Sun, Aug. 10, 2008

So, you think you have it bad, what with new, increasingly painful baggage fees almost daily? Second-bag fees, first-bag fees, carry-on fees?

Quit your whining. I have to pay those fees and an extra $100 just to travel with my javelin.

OK, so I don't actually own a javelin, no less travel with one. But if I did, it would cost me a C-note to get one on an American Airlines plane. I know this because the airline has a policy for it. Really.

Under ''Updated Checked Bag Fees'' at the airline's website (www.aa.com), there is a chart that details fees and policies for checked luggage that includes, among other things, a javelin. It states: ``Javelin: $100 in addition to the applicable checked baggage fee, based on the number of checked bags.''

Who knew? Is the Association of Javelin Throwers Against Tremendous Expenses (AJITATE) aware of this hidden fee? (OK, there isn't really such an association, but if there were, its members would be outraged.)

I found the chart while making arrangements for a trip that will require carrying everything with me. With seven flights on four airlines, three hotels, two rental cars, an antique schooner and a ferry to an obscure island -- all with minimal slack in the schedule -- I was forced to compare the cryptic and seemingly random requirements for carry-on luggage for each airline involved.

SCUBA, TOO

While browsing American's site, the chart popped up and I couldn't take my eyes of it. Javelins, it turns out, are not the only extra-cost item. There are similar fees for wakeboards, scuba gear, bowling balls, archery equipment (``one bow, one quiver, arrows and maintenance kit''), windsurfing gear and, believe it or not, hang gliders. Bringing a hang glider on an airplane seemed like a warped logic problem for Mensa applicants, but also I noticed the fee: $100.

Wait. How can a simple fiberglass spear that weighs less than 29 ounces cost the same to check as luggage as a hang glider, ''an unmotorized foot-launchable aircraft'' with a 20-foot wingspan? (Thank you, Wikipedia.)

There are a few other surprises in the chart, including specific rules for ''shooting equipment.'' Each shipping case cannot exceed three rifles and shotguns or five pistols and revolvers, as well as a shooting mat, noise suppressor, tools and (wait for it) 11 pounds of ammunition. The cost? The same as for all other first- or second-checked bag.

Another quirk: You can check as luggage a pair of oars -- but not a kayak, boat, scull or canoe. (Maybe they're special hang-gliding oars.)

AND ANTLERS

But the most head-scratching item on American's chart -- a document probably compiled by a sober, tie-wearing expert with an advanced degree in engineering -- is antlers. Antlers checked as baggage ''must be as free of residue as possible,'' the policy states. ''The skull must be wrapped and tips protected.'' Antlers cannot exceed 70 pounds or 115 inches across -- roughly 9 ½ feet.

Does it apply just to deer or anything with antlers? Moose? Elk? Endangered Arabian Oryx? More importantly, why exactly isn't the decomposing head of a deer or moose considered carrion luggage? Cost: $100.

It occurred to me that the number of people who own javelins, no less the number who have occasion to travel with them, cannot possibly be in the thousands. And yet, by having thought out the specific requirements for flying with one (and the added fee, of course), American Airlines is showing us an impressive level of preparedness -- that apparently is unobtainable for more trivial matters, such as on-time flights, customer service and hedging fuel costs.

With the airlines trying to convince us that (fee-wise) the first bag is the new second bag, it's only a matter of time before flying with javelins -- or bowling balls or severed elk heads or, frankly, the clothes on your back -- becomes cost prohibitive.

There is a silver lining. A local guide in remote Newfoundland told me the route I'll be driving on the upcoming trip should take about five hours -- give or take an hour for moose.

And while I won't have a javelin for protection against moose, if I accidentally hit one and survive, I know now how to get the antlers home.